jokes

NOTE...These are jokes, they are not meant to and should not be directed to disrespect anyone...God had a great sense of humor! Don't believe me? Look in the mirror!

JOKES

Jesus goes to the hospital and walks up to the first bed and asks "Why are you in here?" She replies "I was lame from birth & then my health got worse"Jesus says "Rise and be healed "& then lays hands on her. She then gets up out of bed praising God and goes on her way.

Jesus goes to the 2nd bed and asks "Why are you in here?" The guy in the 2nd bed replies "I was in a car accident". Jesus lays hands on him and he is healed!

Jesus approaches the 3rd bed and the guy says to Jesus, "Don't touch me! I'm on workman's comp!"

Fat guy goes up to the Skinny guy and says "It looks like you've been in a famine!"

Skinney guy says back "It looks like you caused it!"

If the three blind men that Jesus healed of blindness in the Bible were to have it their way...There would be three denonominations.

One touch and healed, Must have two touches (remember the one who saw men as trees, then the second time saw clearly), or must be mud and spit only!

Where is the book of Hesitations?

There were three preachers in hell. Each one of them was trying to figure...

The Baptist Preacher was saying "I just don't get it...I know it's once saved always saved, if that's true, why am I here?"

The Catholic Priest was saying "This can't be...I should be in Pergatory."

The Charasmatic kept saying "I know I'm in hell, but I'm not going to confess it!"

There is tennis in the Old Testament...

"Moses entered the courts of Pharoah"

Little Chuckie came home from Sunday School and his Mom decided she was going to quiz him on what he learned that day.

Chuckie's Mom asks "Well, son...What did you learn today?"

Chuckie: "I learned about Andy"

Mom: "What...Who???"

Chuckie: "Yeh, Mom...you know...Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, along life's narrow way....."

Twas the Night Before Jesus Came

Twas the night before Jesus and all through Bethlehem town

Not a room could be rented ,not a vacancy could be found.

The rooms were all filled with parties and fermented drink

In hopes they could drown all their troubles in this stink.

But the animals all knew what tomorrow would bring

At the breaking of dawn there would be a great King

The stables were restless for the donkeys could sense

tonight was so special as they tugged at their fence.

The birds of the air lay down in their nest

high above a small stable were Jesus would soon rest.

The owls didn't ask "who" tonight ,they only listened to hear

Of the coming Messiah who's birth was so near.

The mice were all busy cleaning the trash from the hay

that was to be placed in the manger for the Christ child to lay.

The camels crouched quietly with long necks toward the street

and watched for the donkey and movement of a mans feet.

A star now lit up the sky over the Bethlehem town

As the angels of God descended to the ground.

The form of a man leading a donkey with a rider

could be seen down the street as the dark now grew lighter.

One by one the weary man visited each and every Inn

to be told they were all filled up again and again.

So he walked to the stable and intered the door

not like the rich of the world but as the lowly and poor.

The animals all knew what was to happen this night

a savior would be born ,with God's power and great might.

Twas the night before Jesus and all through the land

salvation was coming ,God's son would save man.

by Terry L. Richardson

Actual Blooper Exerts from Church Bulletins

•Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

•Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

•Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

•For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

•The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

•This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

•Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

•Wednesday, the Ladies' Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

•Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

•This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

•The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

•Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

•The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

•A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

•At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

ACTUAL CHILDREN'S LETTERS TO GOD

Dear GOD,

In school they told us what You do.

Who does it when You are on vacation?

-Jane

Dear GOD,

I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.

Love, Alison

Dear GOD,

Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?

-Lucy

Dear GOD,

Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

-Anita

Dear GOD,

Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

-Norma

Dear GOD,

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,
why don't You just keep the ones You have now?

-Jane

Dear GOD,

Who draws the lines around the countries?

-Nan

Dear GOD,

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?

-Neil

Dear GOD,

What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.

-Jane

Dear GOD,

Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"?

Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother.

-Darla

Dear GOD,

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

-Joyce

Dear GOD,

It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!

He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say,
but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.

Your friend

(But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD,

Why is Sunday school on Sunday?

I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.

-Tom L.

Dear GOD,

Please send me a pony.

I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.

-Bruce

Dear GOD,

If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin,

I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.

-Raphael

Dear GOD,

My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.

-Danny

Dear GOD,

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms.
It works with my brother.

-Larry

Dear GOD,

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.

-Sam

Dear GOD,

You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.

-Dean

Dear GOD,

I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.

-Ruth M

Dear GOD,

I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.

-Elliott

Dear GOD,

I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.

-Nan

Dear GOD,

Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.

-Rob

Dear GOD,

My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.

They're just kidding, aren't they?

-Marsha

Dear GOD,

If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.

-Mickey D.

Dear GOD,

I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.

Love, Chris

Dear GOD,

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it.

So I bet he stoled your idea.

Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD:

The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool."

But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do.

-Eddie

Dear GOD,

I do not think anybody could be a better GOD.

Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already.

-Charles

Dear GOD,

I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.

That was cool!

-Eugene